Let's Try That Again --

by Janis Cortese

Did you know that it's Ambitious Women Month?

Well it is and that means you and me. Did you know that if the Rubens models were real women they'd be hotter than Georgia asphalt? There's 3 billion women who don't look like Xena and one who does -- THANK GOD! Marilyn Monroe wore a size 14. If Barbie were a real woman, she'd be made out of plastic for Christ's sake. The average woman weighs 144lb and wears between a 12-14 and would taste incredible with just a little butterscotch sauce and some warm honey. One out of every four college aged women has an eating disorder but since she loves to put love notes in her husband's lunchbox more than eating lunch herself, she doesn't mind. A psychological study in 1995 found that three minutes spent looking at lists like this of what women are "supposed" to "be" in their lives caused 100% of women to feel depressed, guilty, and shameful. Models twenty years ago weighed 8% less than the average woman. Today they weigh 23% less, and we're sick and fucking tired of it.

WOMEN have strengths that amaze men. They build investment portfolios, lose their tempers when things don't go their way, fart and pick their noses. They raise children when they feel like it, and barely keep from strangling them sometimes, no matter how much they love them. They handle hardships, they handle burdens, but they hold dreams, ambitions, and plans for the future. They scream when they want to scream, cry when they want to cry, laugh with their mouths open when they are happy and fidget when they're are nervous.

WOMEN wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend or relative after a snowy drive home -- and anyone who doesn't *should.*

WOMEN have special qualities about them. They create and run foundations for good causes. They are doctors, nurses, and surgeons in hospitals. They are millionaires who leave lots of money to charities. They perform open heart surgery and accomplish other harrowing medical miracles. They are executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes and your neighbors. They wear any goddamned things they want. They bust heads for what they believe in. They stand up for injustice. They are in the front row at meetings. They run against the person that will do the worst job for all issues that concern them -- such as the environment, foreign policy, industrial concerns, taxation, and even family issues as well.

WOMEN walk and talk the extra mile to get THEMSELVES in the best schools and for getting THEMSELVES the right health care. They apply for jobs as editors, congresswoman, and "powers that be" for things that make for a better life. No one who values their nards gives them "no" for an answer when there is a better solution.

WOMEN expect love notes in our lunch boxes, packed by loving stay at home spouses who spend their entire days raising the kids (if any) and keeping things clean so they can devote their lives to corporate achievement. They fucking LOVE new shoes. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally -- up until they get the feeling that they're being taken advantage of, and then they strike back lethally, so sleep with one eye open if you know what's good for you.

WOMEN are honest, loyal, and forgiving, smart, powerful, funny, irreverent, and daunting. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power; but they still know how to use anything they can get their hands on to make a point.

WOMEN want to be the best for themselves. They uncap the champagne and hoot at the top of their lungs (and even cry sometimes) when anyone they care about or themselves excel and get awards.

WOMEN are happy (or cry) when they hear about a birth or a new marriage or a fabulous 3-to-1 stock split that just made them a shitload of money. Their hearts break when a friend dies, and soar to the heavens when an enemy buys it. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

A WOMAN'S touch cannot cure any ailment even though she wishes it could. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart, but nothing works better than a good bloodcurdling war-whoop. They expect a romantic evening to be unforgettable.

WOMEN come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments, and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The hands of a woman are what makes the world spin!

WOMEN do a shitload more than just give birth, and they don't always do that. They bring joy and hope and a new dirty joke that will keep you chuckling surreptitiously for the next three days. If they REALLY like you, they bring Ben and Jerry's. They give motivation. They give moral support to their family and friends. All they want back is power, fame, money, and some Godiva chocolates if you aren't too busy to pick them up. Women have a lot to do and a lot to take -- and the world ad best watch its ass, because we're coming.

Copyright © 2000 by Janis Cortese

02/08/07 at 21:45